We’ve all had the arguments, we know where we stand and why. I hashed out around half of these guys in various posts since the tail end of December, and many more in the comments of the Reader Poll, and Matt is going to go into way more detail that I am tomorrow. So, without further delay, I bring you:
Thirty-One Short Blurbs About Prospects:
1. Jesse Biddle LHP – Everything went in the right direction for Biddle in 2012 to make this jump to number 1, including this EDM DJ being not great at baseball and then getting traded.
2. Tommy Joseph C – I hear he’s got magic bats and he’s willing to share. That’s LEADERSHIP.
3. Roman Quinn SS – When someone says to you “Hey, that was fast!”, just remember, Roman Quinn’s been done for days. Guy’s fast, is what I’m saying (jump to 0:22 and watch him fly past the camera twice in 15 seconds whilst touching all four bases on the same line drive toward the LF corner).
4. Adam Morgan LHP – Would like to see better K and BB Rates at AA before he moves up in 2013. And less dead deer in his Twitter avi. Gross, bro.
5. Maikel Franco 3B – Big second half in 2012. Spells first name funny. That’s all you need to know.
6. Jonathan Pettibone RHP – Are we calling him P-Bone or J-Bone? Not sure which is more ridiculous, but I hope we pick the one that is. I vote “P-Bone”. Sounds dirtier.
7. Ethan Martin RHP – Have you seen his hair without a hat? Glorious!
8. Shane Watson RHP – Should feel right at home pitching for Lakewood this year. Watch now they’ll start him in Williamsport to make me look bad. DAMN YOU JOE JORDAN!!!
9. Carlos Tocci CF – MUST. RESIST. MENTIONING. THIS. Ok, couldn’t resist – he’s #15 on the list there with an injury report we all dance around for fear of (at least for me), projectile vomitting.
10. Cody Asche 3B – Hope he’s working on his bat flip. Every guy named Cody should have an 80 bat flip.
11. Phillippe Aumont RHP- I don’t speak French, but I’m pretty sure his name means “Filthy Cheese”. Appropriate. And potentially delicious.
12. Justin DeFratus RHP – Can I be serious for a moment? Good. Cause I have nothing “funny” or even “glib” to say about Justin DeFratus. Seems like a nice man. Tall, but not too tall, ya know?
13. Mitch Gueller RHP – Did you know? – Last name is pronounced like O’s great Mike Cuellar. #false
14. Dylan Cozens OF/1B – The Reading bus driver is really nervous about this guy. Way bigger, and definitely scarier than Tyson Gillies, IMO.
15. Larry Greene Jr. OF/1B - If he never does a single thing in his career, at least he was on MLBN commercials every day for a really long time.
16. Sebastian Valle C – “Production” without walks. Should fit right in.
17. Austin Wright LHP – Austin Wright sounds so much less like a hotel than Austin Hyatt. Wonder why that is? Language is funny, y’all.
18. Darin Ruf LF/1B - Can’t believe we voted this guy sixteenth in our poll. Way too h- sorry, what’s that now? Sixth? Wow.
19. Brody Colvin RHP – New nickname I thought up for him – “Bunny” (yes, I thought of that and anyone who says otherwise is wrong and their proof is manufactured). Anyway, it’s perfect – if he stinks we get Bill Rawls to come chew him out. That’s motivation. Also DYK this actor’s name is Jay Landsman? Yes, I am a total nerd for “The Wire”. I lived in Baltimore for a while. Cut me some slack.
20. Cesar Hernandez 2B – I always say his first name really violently in my head. SAY-zaaaar! Like imagine Ricardo Montalban saying it.
21. Cameron Rupp C
22. Kelly Dugan OF – We all know his dad directed Happy Gilmore, but did you know his dad was also the guy who played the PGA Tour President guy in said film? I did not until today, but here’s the back of his head with Julie Bowen from Modern Family.
23. Kevin Brady RHP – When I lived in Charleston, everyone liked or hated Clemson or U of South Carolina. I liked the beach and hated the still-present whiff or institutional racism. Kevin Brady went to Clemson. I have no idea if he’s a racist or if he likes the beach. Or neither or both. Fingers crossed for “Yes Beach/Not Racist”.
24. Zach Collier CF – Seems to have toned down his Twitter persona since that time he tweeted about women being at “a certain time of the month” right after being added to the 40-man roster. Good move.
25. Franklyn Vargas LHP – Like Franco, also spells first name funny. But like, odd funny. Maikel Franco’s seems like it’s cultural. Vargas’ seems like he had yuppie parents. Like naming your daughter Krystyn.
26. Deivi Grullon C – Wonder what he’s doing with that big pile of money they gave him? Municipal bonds, prolly.
27. Andrew Pullin 2B – WE’RE ALL PULLIN’ FOR HIM TO BE SUCCESSF-OH MY GOD SHOOT ME!
28. Tyson Gillies CF – This one time, Tyson Gillies didn’t get hurt. Just that once, though.
30. Mitch Walding 3B – Second Mitch on the list. Rad. This spot almost went to Zach Green, which would have been double-super exciting on the name front, even though Greene is spelled differently than Green, (it’s the “e” at the end, ICYMI).
Comeback Candidate – Jiwan James CF- Remember when he went all MacGyver with the shower curtain last year? Hopefully, that’s what he’s going to do at the plate this year. Except with a bat and hitting a baseball instead of, you know, showering.
What do you think? Did I miss an obvious joke? I tried to hit all the highlights. Enjoy the discussion as we wait on Matt’s Top 30 tomorrow!